Should a disagreement be settled by text?

Small, practical disagreements can be settled by text, and research suggests the screen itself is not always the problem. But once feelings are hurt, or one of you is writing more while the other goes quiet, a phone call or a cup of coffee is usually the kinder and quicker way through.

What happens when a small text turns tense?

Ellen is 68. She has been seeing George, 71, for about three months. They met in a watercolor class and now go to the Sunday concerts in the park. On Friday she texted: “My daughter’s visiting Sunday, so I’ll skip the concert this week.”

George wrote back: “Fine. I’ll go alone.”

Ellen read it twice and felt her cheeks go warm. She typed: “You could have said that a bit nicer.” Then nothing came back. Not that night, not by breakfast.

Here is what Ellen knows, sorted out:

• What happened: George replied “Fine. I’ll go alone.” Then he didn’t answer her second message overnight.
• The reading: He’s annoyed, maybe hurt, maybe sulking.
• The fear: One small thing has spoiled something good.
• The next step: Still open. Another text? A call? Wait?

Only the first line is a fact. George might have been disappointed, or tired, or typing with one finger at the grocery store. He might have gone quiet because he didn’t know what to say. Ellen can’t know from the screen, and that’s exactly the problem with settling it there.

Is text really worse for a disagreement?

Not always, which may surprise you. In a study of 100 couples who talked through a real disagreement, half face to face and half by typed messages, distress, anger and how well the issue got resolved came out about the same either way.1 The medium alone did not make things worse.

But there’s a catch. Another study, of 276 young adults in committed relationships, found that women who used texts to apologize, work out differences or make decisions reported lower relationship quality. Sending affection by text, on the other hand, went with a better relationship.2 Those were younger people, not people in their 60s, so hold it lightly.

Put together, the lesson is fairly plain. A text can carry a disagreement. What it handles badly is hurt that keeps growing because neither of you can hear the other’s voice. If a misunderstanding is shrinking with each message, text is fine. If it’s growing, switch.

Why does one of us want to settle it now, and the other go quiet?

When things get tense, our old tendencies show up. Researchers describe them as two sliding dials rather than types. One is attachment anxiety, a worry about being let go. The other is attachment avoidance, an unease with closeness or being leaned on. Everyone sits somewhere on both.

In the same 100-couple study, people higher on either dial felt more distress and more anger during the disagreement.1 The two dials just tend to look different on a phone.

Someone higher on the anxiety dial often wants it settled now. Ellen’s instinct is to send another message, then another, because an unfinished argument feels dangerous.

Someone higher on the avoidance dial often wants to step away. George’s silence may be his way of not making things worse, and pressing him for an answer tonight may only send him further into his shell.

Neither of them is wrong. And nobody can tell you which dial George sits on from one silent evening.

How do I move it off the screen without making it bigger?

Couples do this all the time. When researchers at Northwestern interviewed people in dating relationships about their disagreements, many described switching from texting to talking face to face, and sometimes back again. They gave reasons like keeping the argument from escalating, calming their own feelings and trying to actually resolve it.3

The trick is how you switch. “We need to talk” sounds like a summons. A gentler message works better:

• Own your part first: “That came out sharper than I meant.”
• Ask for the call without a deadline: “Could I ring you after supper?”
• Leave the door open: “I’m not going anywhere.”

How you open matters more than you might think. In a University of Washington study of newlyweds, researchers led by John Gottman found that the first three minutes of a discussion about an ongoing disagreement predicted which couples would divorce over the next six years. Couples who opened with criticism or defensiveness fared worse than those who opened calmly or warmly.4

Does age help with any of this?

Often, yes. Researchers at UC Berkeley followed 87 middle-aged and older couples, married 15 to 35 years, for 13 years. Over time, their disagreements showed more humor and affection and less defensiveness and criticism.5

Purdue University research on relationships across adulthood points the same way: a greater willingness to forgive, a sense that time is precious and an attitude of respect all help explain why older adults’ relationships tend to get better.6

Those studies were about marriages, friends and family, not new romances. Still, many people bring that same skill into dating later in life. You may already know how to let a hot moment cool, how to laugh at a misunderstanding, and how to say “let’s not do this by text.” Use it.

When is it more than a misunderstanding?

One sharp text is a misunderstanding. A pattern is different. If disagreements with this person always end with you apologizing, if they go silent for days every time you raise something, or if a kind request is met with contempt, that’s worth taking seriously, whatever their tendencies.

And if worry after a disagreement keeps you up night after night, or follows you through your days, a licensed counselor or therapist is the right person to talk with. That’s not a sign anything is wrong with you. It’s good care.

What can I do tonight?

1. Write the four lines. What happened, the reading, the fear, the next step.
2. Ask whether it’s shrinking or growing. If each message makes it smaller, carry on by text. If not, stop typing.
3. Send one bridge message. Something short and warm that asks for a call.
4. Wait before you answer a sting. Fifteen minutes, a cup of tea, a walk round the block.
5. Talk, don’t argue the text. On the call, skip “what you wrote.” Ask what they meant.
6. Notice your own pull. Do you want it settled now, or do you want to hide? Neither is wrong. Knowing which helps you choose.

Ellen rang George at ten the next morning. He’d felt foolish about the “Fine,” he said, and hadn’t known how to take it back. They went to the concert the following Sunday.