How do I trust someone new later in life?

You trust someone new later in life the same way trust has always been built: slowly, from what a person does over weeks and months, not from how good they make you feel in the first few conversations. The difference after 60 is that it pays to do it in the open, with your family and friends in the loop and money kept entirely out of it.

That may sound unromantic. It is actually what lets you relax and enjoy someone.

Why does trusting someone feel so different now?

Picture Margaret, 67. She was married to the same man for 41 years. He died three years ago. Last spring she met Walter at her library’s book group, and he is kind, funny and attentive. And she has no idea what she is supposed to do next. The last time she had to decide whether to trust a man, she was 24 and her mother was asking about his family.

If that sounds familiar, there are a few reasons.

You are out of practice. A long marriage means decades of knowing someone so well that trust ran in the background. Starting over means doing it on purpose again.

You may trust more than you used to, and that is mostly good. In two studies reported by Northwestern University, Michael Poulin and Claudia Haase looked at nearly 200,000 people in 83 countries, and at 1,230 Americans followed over about four years. Older adults trusted other people more, trust grew as people aged, and people who trusted more tended to be happier.1 Trust is not a weakness. It is part of what makes later life good.

Your gut alarm may be a little quieter. In a UCLA study, 119 adults aged 55 to 84 and 24 younger adults rated photos of faces. Both groups rated trustworthy and neutral faces about the same.2 But the older group rated faces with classic untrustworthy cues as more trustworthy and approachable, and a brain area tied to gut-level warning feelings was less active in them.2 That was a lab study of faces, not of real relationships. It does suggest that “I just have a feeling about him” may be a less reliable guide than it was at 30, in both directions.

How do you tell good trust from risky trust?

It helps to keep four things separate, especially when you lie awake turning someone over in your mind.

• What happened. Only the facts. “He said he’d call Sunday. He called Sunday.”
• The reading. What you think it means. “He’s steady.”
• The fear. What it stirs up. “What if I’m being a fool at my age?”
• The next step. Something you can actually do. “Keep going at this pace, and introduce him to my sister.”

Good trust is built from the first line. It grows when the facts pile up: they show up when they say they will, their stories stay the same over time, they are glad to meet your friends, and they never make you feel rushed. None of that tells you what is in their heart. It tells you whether their actions and words match, which is the part you can actually see.

Risky trust skips the facts and runs on feeling. The person is wonderful on the phone but always has a reason not to meet. Things become very serious very quickly. You find yourself keeping them a secret.

Why do scams belong in this conversation?

Because they are, sadly, part of the landscape for your age group, and knowing that is protective, not insulting.

The Federal Trade Commission reports that fraud losses reported by adults 60 and over rose from about $600 million in 2020 to $2.4 billion in 2024.3 Much of that came from a small number of very large losses, often to investment scams, romance scams and impersonators.3 Reports of losses over $100,000 were only 5% of older adults’ loss reports in 2024, but they made up 68% of the money lost.3

Loneliness plays a part. Researchers at Boston College’s Center for Retirement Research, drawing on a long-running study of retired Chicago-area adults, found that older people who felt lonely or less satisfied with life were more susceptible to fraud.4 People whose social lives felt full were less tempted by offers of connection that seemed too good to be true.4

So the FTC’s advice is simple. Never send money or gifts to someone you have not met in person.5 And tell someone you trust that you are talking to a new person. Someone with honest intentions will not mind. Someone who asks you to keep the relationship quiet is giving you important information.5

What about your family’s worries?

Adult children can be your best ally here or your loudest critic, and sometimes both in the same week. Some fear a scam. Some fear for the inheritance. Some are not ready to see a parent with anyone other than the parent they lost.

You do not need their permission. But keeping them informed costs you very little and gives you a lot: a second pair of eyes, and a relationship that is not lived in secret. You can listen to a worry without handing over the decision. “I hear you, and I’m being careful” is a complete answer.

When is it more than ordinary caution?

Some wariness after a long marriage, a loss or a betrayal is normal, and it eases as good experiences pile up. If fear of trusting anyone is keeping you awake, pulling you away from friends, or making daily life feel heavy for weeks at a time, a licensed counselor or therapist is the right help. Grief and worry can tangle together after 60, and talking to a professional is a sensible step, not a sign that anything is wrong with you.

And if you have already sent money to someone you met online, stop sending more, call your bank right away, and tell someone you trust. Being targeted is not a judgment on your intelligence. These schemes are run by professionals.

What the research does not tell us

• The face study measured first impressions of photos, not how older adults judge real people over time.
• The trust studies show averages. They cannot tell you whether a particular person deserves your trust.
• FTC figures come from reports people chose to file, so they likely undercount what really happens.
• The loneliness research links loneliness with susceptibility. It does not show that every lonely person is at risk, or that every scam victim was lonely.

What to do this week

• Pick your answer above and try its next step once.
• Keep a short facts list. When you think about the new person, write down what they did, not just how it felt.
• Meet before you deepen. A video call, then a public place in daylight.
• Tell one person you trust about anyone new, by name.
• Make one rule and keep it: no money, gifts, account details or “investments,” for any reason, to someone you have not known well and in person for a long time.