How do I stop feeling jealous in a new companionship?

You can’t order the feeling away, but you can stop it from steering. Give it a name when it arrives, let it settle before you act, and then say it kindly and briefly, in person if you can. After 60 you have real advantages here: more practice with strong feelings, and a slower pace that leaves room to choose your words.

Is it silly to feel jealous at this age?

Not at all. Feelings don’t retire.

Irene is 66. She kept the books for a lumberyard for thirty years and has been divorced for a long time. For five months she has been seeing Lionel, 70, a retired mail carrier. They have lunch twice a week and a long phone call on Sundays. Every Thursday Lionel plays bridge, and his partner of many years is a woman named Nora. When he says, cheerfully, “Nora and I won again,” Irene feels something tighten. She is a little ashamed of it. She is a grown woman, she thinks, and this is a card game.

It helps to lay out what actually happened:

• The fact: Lionel plays bridge with Nora every week and tells Irene about it openly.
• The reading: “He enjoys her company more than mine.”
• The fear: “I’ll be second best again.”
• The next step: to be chosen by Irene, calmly, not by the tight feeling.

The feeling is real. The reading is a guess. Keeping those apart is most of the work.

There is good news for Irene, and for you. Research summarized by the Association for Psychological Science suggests that older people may be better at managing their emotions than younger people, which may be part of why many people grow happier with age.1 You have had decades of practice with strong feelings. Jealousy is one more.

What do you do in the moment?

Name it, quietly, to yourself. “That’s jealousy.” It sounds too simple to matter, but there is evidence it does.

In a brain-imaging study at UCLA, led by Matthew Lieberman, people looked at upsetting pictures, many showing strong emotions.2 When they put a word to the feeling, such as “angry,” activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain involved in alarm, went down.2 Labeling the picture with a name, like “Harry,” did not have that effect.2

So when the tight feeling comes, say the word to yourself. Then give it a little time. Put the kettle on. Walk around the block. A feeling that has been named and given ten minutes is usually smaller than the one that arrived.

How do you bring it up without spoiling things?

This is the part people dread. Many of us were raised not to make a fuss, and a new companionship feels too precious to risk.

But keeping it in has its own cost. It tends to leak out as coolness, a pointed question, or a sharp remark. Researchers at Arizona State University studied jealousy in dating couples, collecting answers from both partners.3 The way jealousy was linked to lower satisfaction ran through destructive communication, the hostile or hurtful ways of letting jealousy out.3 Constructive talk was different. Women who used it reported more satisfaction, and so did their partners.3

In plain terms: the feeling itself didn’t do the damage. The way it came out did.

So when you’re ready, keep it short and kind. Own the feeling as yours. Leave out the accusation. Say it face to face, or on the phone, where your voice can carry the warmth that a text cannot. If there is something you would like, such as meeting the people in their life, ask for it simply. The scripts below are written for that.

Does the slower pace make it worse?

Sometimes it can feel that way. Many companionships after 60 are built with space in them, and that is often a choice, not a warning.

In interviews with 45 older Australians, all in their sixties or beyond, researcher Sue Malta found that new late-life romances were meaningful and important to the people in them.4 Yet very few moved in together or married. Most preferred to date, or to live separately, even when the relationship was long-term and committed, partly to avoid taking on caregiving and household duties again.4

So Lionel’s Thursdays are not a gap in the relationship. They are part of a life he had before Irene, and one the relationship was built to leave room for. Irene has her own version, perhaps a book group or a standing lunch with her sister. Separate lives are part of the design.

When is it more than a pang?

Some behavior that gets called jealousy is really control. Going through someone’s phone, checking where they are, asking for their passwords, or deciding who they may see are not ordinary jealousy. If someone is doing that to you, or if you feel frightened of how a companion behaves when they are jealous, please treat it as a safety matter and talk to a hotline or a professional.

And if your own jealousy will not settle, keeps you awake, or starts to crowd out the rest of your life, a licensed mental-health professional is the right person to help. That is a sensible step at any age.

What to do this week

• Name it when it comes. One word, said to yourself. Then wait ten minutes before you do anything.
• Write the four lines. What happened, what you made of it, what you’re afraid of, and what you’ll do.
• Say it once, in person. Briefly, warmly, as your feeling, not their fault.
• Ask to meet their people. A Thursday at the bridge club makes Nora a person instead of a worry.
• Tend your own week. Keep the standing plans and friendships that are yours. They steady you.

What the research does not tell us

• The emotional-control findings describe older adults on average, not how any one person handles a hard week.1
• The labeling study used pictures in a scanner, not real relationships, though the lesson is easy to try at home.2
• The communication study involved dating couples, not later-life companions specifically, and found the effect of constructive talk for women specifically.3
• The late-life interviews were with 45 people in Australia, so they describe common choices, not rules.4
• None of it can tell you what your companion feels. It can help you keep the fact, the guess, the fear and your next step apart.