Is my new companion controlling, or just protective?

A protective companion offers help, asks what you want, and takes “no” for an answer. A controlling one takes over decisions that are yours, such as your money, your medicines, your appointments or your time with family, and makes saying no feel costly or frightening.

Later in life, control very often looks like help. That is why the useful question is not “does this person care about me?” but “are my choices still mine?”

Why is it so hard to tell the difference after 60?

Because so much of real care is practical now. Lifts to the doctor. A hand with the pharmacy. Someone who notices when you seem tired. After years of managing everything alone, being looked after can feel wonderful, and it should.

Picture Hazel. She is 69, a retired bank teller, widowed five years after a 38-year marriage. For four months she has been seeing Bernard, 72, a retired insurance agent she met at water aerobics at the community pool. He is attentive and funny, and he drove her to her cataract follow-up without being asked.

Lately, though, he comes into every appointment and answers the doctor’s questions before she can. He has suggested she keep her pill organizer at his house, “so I can keep an eye on it.” He sighs when her son calls. Last week he said it would be easier if he were added to her checking account.

Pull it apart before it becomes a story.

• What happened: he speaks for her at appointments, wants her medicines at his house, sighs at her son’s calls, and asked about her bank account.
• The reading: she can’t know why. It might be worry, habit or something else.
• The fear: that she is being foolish, or ungrateful, to mind.
• The next step: keep her money and medicines where they are, and talk it over with someone she trusts.

What does control look like in later life?

The National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life built its picture of this from older survivors themselves. In 2005, more than 50 women from eight states reviewed a well-known chart of abusive tactics and described what it looked like in their own lives.2

What they named is familiar to anyone who has been unwell or depended on someone for a while:2

• speaking for you at financial and medical appointments
• making all the major decisions
• controlling who you see and what you do
• keeping you from your phone or your mail
• refusing to drive you, or holding back medication
• taking money or misusing a power of attorney

The federal Administration for Community Living lists emotional abuse of an older person as humiliating, intimidating or threatening them, and exploitation as misusing their money or property for someone else’s benefit.1

Notice that none of these is a single kind gesture gone slightly too far. They are about who gets to decide.

Does this really happen to people our age?

It does, and it can go on for a long time. In a study reported by The Ohio State University, researchers interviewed 370 women aged 65 and older by telephone.3 Just over one in four had experienced violence from a partner at some point in their lives.3

Psychological abuse, which in that study included threats, name-calling and having their behavior controlled, was reported by 22 percent.3

Those who described controlling behavior had lived with it for an average of 10 years.3 That study looked at women’s whole lives, not new relationships. But it is a plain reminder that control does not stop being control because people are older.

What does protective care look like?

Steady acts, offered and then let go. Here is what you can actually watch for over several weeks:

• It is an offer. “Would you like a lift?” rather than “I’ll be taking you.”
• Your “no” holds. You decline, and the evening carries on.
• Your money stays yours. No joint accounts, deeds, wills or power of attorney with someone new. That is a stop on its own, whatever the reason given.
• Your family is welcome. They may not be close yet, but your time with them is not resented.
• You feel safe. Not always pleased, but never afraid.

What should I do this week?

• Keep money and medicines where they are. If someone new asks to be added to an account, say you’d like to think about it, and talk to your bank and someone you trust first.
• See your doctor on your own for part of the visit. You can ask the staff for a few minutes alone.
• Talk it over with someone you trust, in person, over a cup of coffee.
• If you feel afraid, or your “no” brings anger, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, linked on this page. An advocate can help you make a safety plan. Please don’t raise it with your companion first.
• Skip couples counseling for now if you feel afraid. The Hotline does not recommend it when there is abuse, because counseling cannot fix an imbalance of power.4
• If an older person is being harmed or exploited, Adult Protective Services in your state takes reports, and the police are the call if someone is in immediate danger.5

What the research doesn’t tell us

• The survivors’ chart describes tactics, not frequency. It shows what control can look like, not how often a given behavior means control.2
• The Ohio State study covered women in one health system, looking back over their whole lives. It tells us little about men, or about new relationships later in life.3
• Federal definitions are written for reporting and services, and state laws vary.1
• No study can read your companion’s intentions. It can only help you see whether your choices are still your own.